I’m baaaack… for now ;)

August 8, 2018

If you didn’t notice… I disappeared for a little while. So I’ll fill you in on the last couple of months 😉

I decided to take a break from blogging but also from being active on most social medias because I realized I was not in a place to be trying to help people grow and see things from a new perspective when I was so stuck myself.

Since that last blog post I have made some very difficult, but also life-changing decisions for myself.

This summer I was able to spend a week speaking at a camp that my dad speaks at sometimes too! I had the most amazing time being surrounded by new friends that became like family. I was able to share with the kids that life is hard sometimes, but we believe God sees them in the midst of that.

We also didn’t have power for the entire week, so that made it even more of an adventure, but I was proud to smell like a campfire by the time I got home (and also very surprised that I was able to keep my voice the entire time)! I was able to bring my sister with me and spend the whole week with her which was so special to me!

Now for the heartfelt stuff that isn’t so fun to write about….

Unfortunately, due to the feeling that I was not in a place to lead I resigned from my position as a Kid’s Life Pastor at Open Life. This was not a decision I took lightly at all. It was so hard to say goodbye to the church family that I still love so much. But also so hard to walk away from something I know I was supposed to do… something I had devoted myself to studying how to do well since I was like 10.

This was easily one of the hardest and most difficult decisions I have had to make for myself.

But here’s why it was also the right choice and so necessary:

In June of 2017, I was assaulted.

A year after being assaulted… and six months after finally coming forward with the truth I realized how truly broken I was feeling.

I was hurt.

I was exhausted.

I was burnt out due to avoiding taking care of myself because dealing with those emotions was far too difficult.

I was no longer seeing my friends and family because I had completely withdrawn from seeing or talking to them because it was too hard and I was too tired to make that effort.

I was so exhausted. I know I already said that, but PTSD/depression takes a lot out of you.

Initially, when I resigned I thought I was going to wait a couple of weeks and then quit my job and move somewhere closer to my family or friends where I could feel safe.

After two months of taking care of myself, I realized what I really needed was to allow myself the time and space to heal.

So that is what I’m doing.

I see a therapist once a week to work through the effects of trauma and how to re-train my brain to not see the world as a threat.

I started medication to help control the symptoms that were destroying my well-being.

I force myself to go see at least one friend per week, but usually more and I allow those friends to speak into my life and encourage me that I actually am on the right path (or tell me when I’m not).

I’m reading more books and listening to more podcasts.

I reach out to friends and family when something happens that makes me nervous or uncomfortable rather than pretending to be fine. (this one is definitely a big stretch for me and something I still struggle to do).

I am now honest and open about what has happened to me rather than trying to protect my abuser and their reputation.

My life is completely different than it was even 3 months ago, but even the hardest changes have been the right choice for me in this season.

I am so so beyond thankful for all of the supportive people in my life.

My family, friends, coworkers, and even the kiddos in my life have shown me so much love and grace through this very difficult year.

I have learned so much about the people in my life and how deeply they love and want to protect one another. I am so grateful.

Thank you to all who have supported me and reached out over the past year. Even if I didn’t express in the moment how much it meant to me, please know that you reaching out has meant the world.

Keep your eye out for my next post where I’ll give you a recipe for an amazing pasta salad and tell you about what it’s like living with PTSD. That’ll be a fun one 😉

5 People reacted on this

  1. I am so proud of you sweet girl! I pray for you often and understand those feelings all to well. If you ever need ANYTHING…
    XO ~Shannon

  2. Proud to know you. Proud to be your biggest fan. Proud to say that Caitlin Joy is my daughter. You are beautiful, resilient, full of grace & full of the blunt truth. Thank you for being so strong and amazing.

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